


Tri Martolod

by GivemeanID



Category: Naruto
Genre: Breaking and Entering, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, Multi, Rarepair hell here I come, Roadtrip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23030329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID
Summary: Tobirama was sinking in darkness. Then he heard a voice that made him want to punch someone.
Relationships: Nidaimes/Mito Uzumaki, Senju Tobirama & Hozuki Gengetsu & Muu
Comments: 195
Kudos: 147





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no explanation for this...

Tobirama was sinking in the darkness, feeling heavy and cold from the bloodloss. If a miracle didn't happen in the next minutes, he was going to die. It was okay, at least his babies were safe, at least his students had made it out unscathed. The Gold and Silver Brothers were dead, their squad with them, they would no longer threaten Konoha. His life wasn't a high price to pay for that. He just had the feeling he was forgetting something but he really couldn't place what. It was bothering him.

He was sinking in the darkness. Then he heard a voice that made him want to punch someone.

\- Woah ! the voice said, they got him good ! Do you think he's dead ?!

That voice tickled at Tobirama's nerves and triggered a flow of desire to punch someone in a very painful place. It was gratting like that.

\- We'll see that, another voice answered.

He felt someone crouch next to him and fingers were on his throat, searching for his pulse.

\- Seriously ! the person with the gratting voice said, have you seen that ?! He destroyed them ! The twenty of them ! That's crazy !  
\- Please stop talking, you're annoying...

Tobirama liked that one, he seemed sensible.

\- I don't feel a pulse, the sensible man said.  
\- Oh come on ! If we staged our deaths for nothing, I will...!

Tobirama didn't hear the rest, because he suddenly remembered. The message ! Mobilizing every ounce of strenght and willpower he had left, he cracked one eye open. He had the deep satisfaction to see Gengestu yelp like a little kid at that.

************

They dragged him to a nearby cave and stripped him of his broken armor and his torn clothes, before laying him on a bedroll. They patched his wounds and even managed to get him to drink some water. Then Tobirama slept for almost a week, waking up rarely to drink or relieve his bladder. Gengetsu and Muu stayed with him all the time, mostly silent, except for Gengetsu stupid jokes.

The eighth day, Tobirama was still weak, but at least he was alive and conscious, and afer what he went through, that counted as a win. It was at this moment that Muu decided he wanted answers.

\- Why did you call us ? he asked, because you'll need to give me a damn good reason if you don't want me tying you up and dragging you back to Iwa by the hair.  
\- Same, Gengetsu added, not that I don't like you, Senju, but your message was a little vague, and I only accepted to come because you seemed to have uncover something important.

Tobirama stayed silent for a tense minute, looking at his hands. Then he looked at his companions.

\- I think I've discovered something, about this war. I am not entirely sure and I need more information, which is why I called you.  
\- What is it ?  
\- How did this war begin ? Tobirama asked.  
\- A squad from Konoha slaughtered a patrol from Iwa, Muu snarled, anger clear in his tone.  
\- Yeah, that's the official version, Tobirama said, except there was no Konoha squad in the area of the incident that day.  
\- Are you kidding me ?! Muu exploded, we found your weapons ! We found your headbands ! And you're saying...!  
\- There was no Konoha squad, Tobirama repeated, unbending as steel, Muu, I swear to you. I'm ready to get on my knees and bow if that can convince you. But you have my word on that, there was no Konoha squad !

That calmed Muu a little. He sat back, harrumphing. Gengetsu was looking between the two of them with an expression that suggested he wished he had popcorn.

\- Fine, say I believe you. My men are still dead ! If not Konoha, who killed them ?! There has to be someone !  
\- I know. That's where it becomes weird. I've gone and looked into the records, looking for which teams were on patrol that day.  
\- And ? What is weird ?  
\- Konoha's archives have been tampered with.

The silence that fell on the cave was heavy. Tobirama let that sink and continued.

\- Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to reconstitute them. Which means that I have no proof of what I advance, but I was the one who signed the missions orders, and Konoha had noone near Iwa's border when your men have been attacked.  
\- Senju, Muu said, are you trying to say that someone set us up ?  
\- Yeah, that exactly what I'm trying to say. Someone worked very hard to make it seem like Konoha attacked Iwa and start a war. They must have foreseen that the other villages would join the conflict, lured by the smell of blood.

Gengetsu coughed. Tobirama and Muu both looked at him, with matching glares. He held up his hands in front of him.

\- Hey don't look at me like that, you would have done the same thing.

Muu rolled his eyes.

\- If you made us come here, it means you have suspicions, he said.  
\- I do, indeed.  
\- So what the next step ?

Muu and Gengetsu were suddenly assaulted by a very bad feeling, when Tobirama smiled, an almost manic gleam in his wine red eyes.

\- The next step is breaking into Kumo's Archives, he said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our trio of unlikely allies prepares to break into Kumo. Muu and Gengetsu would have liked to be warned beforehand that Tobirama could do that.

Muu stared at Tobirama, who stared back. Then the Tsuchikage blinked, once, twice.

\- Okay, he said, I think you've taken a really bad hit on the head, because there is no way you just said what I think you've just said.  
\- Muu, think about it, Tobirama pleaded, who else than Kumo could have had a reason to set up this war ? They had the power to do it ! We need to...  
\- We are not breaking into Kumo ! Are you suicidal or what ?!  
\- There is no other way to prove it's their fault !  
\- And then what ?!  
\- Then we have proofs to get our coutries to ally and finally stop this war !!  
\- This is madness ! Absolute madness ! Gengetsu, back me up on this !!

Gengetsu perked up from where he was watching the two Kage screaming at each other. He made a pensive face before grinning.

\- I personnally think this is a good idea, he said, waiting for Muu's outburst.

Muu was not a very expressive person, with the bandages and all that, but Tobirama and Gengetsu could see the exact moment the Tsuchikage cracked. He jumped on his feet and stomped out of the cave, throwing his arms in the air.

\- I am surrounded by suicidal idiots ! he screamed.

Gengetsu ran after him.

\- Muu ! Come back ! This is going to be funny !

************

Five hours later, after Muu almost took Gengetsu head out in anger and Tobirama had to seperate them despite his state of weakness, the three Kage were sitting one more time in the cave, Muu fuming quietly and Gengetsu nursing a black eye. Tobirama was sipping tea, surveying them from the corner of his eyes just in case Muu decided to bite Gengetsu's head off.

\- Okay, the Tsuchikage snarled, let's admit I agree to this... madness, how do we get into Kumo ? If we go under a henge, we'll be seen before we even reach the gates.  
\- You can use your invisibility jutsu, Tobirama said, I know for sure that no sensor can sense through that.

He still had the scars from his first fight with Muu.

\- Yeah, but you and the tall idiot here, how will you get in ? You can't get invisible and like I've already said, a henge won't work.  
\- Don't worry for that, we'll go under disguises...  
\- You have what it takes to make disguises good enough to deceive ninjas ?

Tobirama grinned crookedly over his mug's rim.

\- Oh yes, he growled.

************

They waited for another week, till Tobirama was able to walk without needing support. Then the Hokage unsealed a scroll from his wrist and started pulling enough clothes from it to put a drama group to shame.

\- You've got to be kidding me, Gengetsu breathed as Tobirama pulled several bags of cosmetics out of his scroll.

Tobirama produced a variety of shoes and what looked like corsets and prosthesis before sealing his scroll again. Then he looked at his companions with a smile.

\- There, I think we have enough to make convincing disguises, he said, Gengetsu come here, we are starting with you.

The man looked at the pile of clothes, then at Tobirama waving makeup brushes threateningly. He ran.

**************

After they caught Gengetsu, forced him to strip and to endure his makeover, the Mizukage was looking wildy different. Tobirama had accentuated his shoulders with light prosthesis, had shaved the man goatee (to Gengetsu's great despair) and dyed his hair black. Gengetsu was now wearing Kumo's regular clothes and armor and Tobirama had even changed his skin color with a lot of foundation.

The Senju was grinning, admiring his handywork, while Muu was doing his best not to laugh and Gengetsu was looking like someone just shot his entire family.

\- Perfect, Tobirama cheered, my turn now.

Under his companions' stares, he undressed quickly and efficiently, standing in only his underwears. He fetched a corset and turned to Muu.

\- Help me put that on, will you ?

This was one of the most bizarre experiences in Muu's life. One of the most religious too, because you could say a lot of things about Tobirama Senju but that he was ugly wasn't one of them. Actually, seeing the back muscles shift and hearing the sharp intakes of breath as he was tightening the corset until Tobirama told him to stop might have given him a small problem in the form of quite tight pants. He could feel Gengetsu seething with jealousy behind him.

Tobirama took a few steps and stretched to get used to the corset. It wasn't too tight, but it was accentuating his waist enough to make him look like a woman. Then, the Senju put on thights, a knee-length black dress and Kumo's regular armor. Like that, it almost looked like he had breasts. The Hokage then grabbed a brush and a jar of foundation and got to work.

One hour later, Muu and Gengetsu were faced with one of the most beautiful woman they had ever seen, who was looking nothing like Tobirama Senju. She was tall, muscled, with long brown hair that reached the middle of her back, brown eyes and full lips highlighted by red lipstick. Muu was feeling a little hot under the collar and given Gengetsu's squirming, he probably wasn't the only one.

\- There ! the woman - Tobirama - said, we are ready !  
\- It can't be, Gengetsu grumbled, there has to be a henge involved...  
\- Senju, Muu said, you look like a woman but you don't sound like one. If you open your mouth, you're gonna get caught...  
\- Oh yeah, just wait a minute...

She - he ! - coughed, did something complicated with his voice and then...

\- Is it better like that ? Tobirama asked with a feminine voice.

Muu was pretty sure all his blood had rushed south because he was feeling lightheaded.

\- Yeah it's okay, he groaned, giving the Hokage a thumbs up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make-up artist Tobirama, anyone ? ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Muu and Gengetsu discover that Tobirama Senju might be a little crazy.
> 
> And also that he's way too convincing as a woman for their peace of mind.

They were almost there. Kumo's monumental gates were just a furlong away. The three accomplices had ran for a few days, taking a long detour to pass behind the enemy's lines and reach the Cloud Village. They were hidden behind a rock, their chakra dissimulated, out of the sentinels' sights, Tobirama busy rectifying his and Gengetsu makeup.

\- Okay, he said once it was done, so your name is G and mine is Marui and if anyone asks, we are married. Got it ?  
\- Yeah, Gengetsu croacked.

Muu was struggling not to laugh because of Gengetsu's predicament. Tobirama didn't seem to get what the problem was.

\- Perfect, he said, Muu, you can activate your jutsu.

Muu did so, becoming entirely invisible to regular and sensor sight. He saw Tobirama's face contort in uneasiness and grinned.

\- Fuck, the Senju groaned, I hate when you do that... okay, let's go...

They stood up, and started walking to the gates, Muu two steps behind them, ready to intervene if the guards were suspicious. It wasn't necessary in the end, the guards let them pass after a simple henge check. Muu jumped to fall into step behind Tobirama.

\- What the fuck, Senju ?  
\- Did you really take me for an idiot ? he whispered, I didn't produced characters from nowhere, I copied the looks from Kumo shinobi I saw on the battlefield.  
\- And if said shinobi come back ?  
\- They're still on the battlefield.  
\- How do you know ?  
\- I sense them ! Now, please shut up, people talking to thin air tend to be suspicious.

Muu groaned. He was pretty sure they would have been spotted at the gates and that maybe that would have discouraged the crazy Senju and the annoying clam lover from trying to break into Kumo, but no ! Now they were inside, and no way the Senju would let them go before he had found what he wanted. Why did Muu accept to come already ? Oh yeah, because he might be curious about the whole thing...

\- Now we need to find the Archives, Tobirama muttered under his breath, they are probably in the Raikage Tower.

Kumo was wildy different from Iwa, and Muu was a little baffled. Everything was hanging from cliff, seemingly weightless, and it was making him quite uneasy for a reason he couldn't place. Finally, they found the Raikage Tower. They entered without problem but once inside, someone call them out. More precisely, someone called Gengetsu out.

\- Hey, G !!

Gengetsu tensed.

\- What do I do ? he whispered to Tobirama.  
\- Chat him up, Tobirama said on the same tone, we get the intel and we come back.

With that said, they abbandoned Gengetsu to his fate. The man who had called him started lecturing him on bad reports and how being on the frontlines wasn't an excuse to slack up on his work. Tobirama and Muu absconded quickly.

The Archives were surprisingly easy to find. And when they entered, there was only one person.

\- Marui ? the archivist said beffudled, what are you doing here ?

Muu was about to dash forward and knock him out, but suddenly Tobirama's demeanor changed. The Hokage cocked his hips slightly, his blood painted lips spreading in a seductive smile, his eyes half hooded. He litterally stalked to the archivist, putting a subtle sway to his gait. The archivist gulped. He wasn't the only one.

\- Oh, dear, Tobirama said, his voice throaty, I came here because I have something very important to tell you.

He sat on the desk, almost drapping himself on the archivist's side, and grabbed the man's chin between two fingers. The poor guy was gaping and slightly drooling too.

\- You see, this war made me realize something. I've been risking my life everyday and I would hate myself if I died without telling you how much you mean to me.

Muu had to admire the Hokage's seducing skills. He was almost a little jealous that said skills weren't turn against him. Almost. Busy staring at Tobirama smooth-talking the helpless archivist, he barely caught the sign the Hokage was making.

Oh, yeah, searching the archives and finding the mission rooster. He quickly went to work, but couldn't help but hearing what Tobirama was saying.

\- If only you knew how much I desire you, really, your intelligence makes me crazy for you...

That sentence was followed by a wet sound and a moan. Muu blushed to his nonexistant hairline. He kept searching, more frenetically than before. The noises became louder, and he bit back a groan and the need to roll his eyes. And finally, finally, he found what he had been looking for. The mission rooster from two years ago. He took it, opened it trying to make abstraction of the kissing sounds, and searched for the right date.

And there, a nasty surprise was awaiting him. 

The entire page was blank.

He blinked, but since that didn't change anything, he closed the rooster, pocketed it and walked to the desk. It was to find Tobirama stradling the archivist and kissing him senseless. Facepalming, Muu bent forward.

\- I got the thing, he whispered in Tobirama's ear.

At first the Hokage didn't react. But then his eyes shot open and he stabbed his thumbs in the archivist's carotids, violently. The poor man fell unconscious, like a stringless puppet. Tobirama stood up and rearranged his clothes, whipping a lipstick and and a small mirror out of one of his pockets.

\- So ? he asked, redoing his lipstick.  
\- You were right, something is very wrong. It's been tampered with too.

Tobirama's stare whipped to where Muu was. He frowned.

\- Show me.

Muu gave him the rooster and Tobirama opened it at the right page. His eyes widened and his breathing shortened.

\- Senju ?  
\- We have a problem.  
\- Yes I get that, but...  
\- No you don't understand. There's only one way to do this. It's with the Mokuton.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the Great Escape From Kumo !

\- The Mokuton ? Muu said tonelessly.

His voice was sickly sweet.

\- So you Senju have something to do with this war after all...

Tobirama looked at him coldly.

\- Hashirama was the last person who had the Mokuton and he's dead, Muu.  
\- How can I be sure that he's dead ? There's never been a proof. One day your brother disappeared and you were elected Hokage, that's all I know.

Tobirama's lower lip woobled slightly, before he bit it with almost enough strength to make himself bleed. Muu refused to be distracted by that, no matter how sexy it was.

\- Muu, Tobirama breathed, please believe me, he's dead.

It was almost a plea.

\- And why would I...?

Suddenly, Tobirama looked in the door's direction, scowled, groaned and then rolled his eyes.

\- We've gotta go, he said, Gengetsu did something stupid...

Muu facepalmed as he reactivated his invisibility jutsu. The Senju was lucky this time, but that didn't mean he would forget his questions. He would have his answers, no matter what it would take. Even if he had to make the albino bleed for that. The two of them stormed out the archives and ran to the hall, where Gengetsu was, awkwardly trying to hide the body of a Kumo ninja in a flowerpot.

\- Don't look at me like that, he sneered, I couldn't answer his questions and he started becoming suspicious. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ditched me.

Tobirama's hand twitched, like he was fighting a strong urge to facepalm.

\- Doesn't matter, he said, we got what we wanted.

He waved the roster before Gengetsu's face, and sealed it in the tatoo on his wrist.

\- Nobody saw you, so let's go.

They exited the Tower. But they had barely walked away from it, that they were surrounded by Kumo ninja, wearing black uniforms, stern looking. Muu recognized the uniform to be the one of the T&I unit.

Uh oh...

\- Marui, G, said the obvious leader, can you tell me why you came back two months earlier than what was expected ? And what were you doing in the Tower ?

Tobirama was silent and still, apparently thinking quickly. Gengetsu didn't think at all.

\- Well, you see, he said, that's a funny story...

Tobirama elbowed him in the guts.

\- You're going to follow us, the man said, frowning, and tell us that in detail at the T&I quarters.

Tobirama smiled.

\- Yes, of course, count on that.

It was at this moment that a formidable quantity of water was dropped on the Kumo ninjas. They were swept of their feet and sent away by the power of the wave. Muu was impressed, since manipulating such a quantity of water without handsigns was quite a feat. Tobirama grabbed Gengetsu by the arm and started running, Muu on their heels.

They had almost reached the gates when Tobirama stopped, catching Gengetsu to stop him. A formidable presence fell from the sky and landed right in front of them, making the earth crack.

The Raikage straightened up, towering, lightning surrounding his strong frame.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Great Escape from Kumo, part 2 !

Tobirama swore under his breath. Next to him, Gengetsu's chakra was doing sommersaults of surprise and fear and... was that lust ?! What was wrong with him, dammit ?! (He knew he should have sent a message to Shamon, why did he choose Gengetsu ?). Behind him, Muu was breathing quickly, and the hissing sound was the only way to locate him, since he was still invisble to both regular and mind eyes.

In front of them, the Raikage was standing upright, looking ready to kill, and Kumo ninja were surrounding them.

Great. Just great. Fan-fucking-tastic !

The Raikage moved and Tobirama was barely fast enough to dodge the attack, pushing Gengetsu and Muu out of the way. He tried to attack in the same movement, but a lancing ache spread in his side and he hissed in pain. Damn, he still wasn't completely recovered from his fight with the Kinkaku unit. For fuck's sake, he was so convinced the answers to the questions that had been plaguing him since the beginning of the war were in Kumo that he had been careless. At this rate, they were gonna end up in Kumo's jails.

The Raikage whipped on his heels and attacked again. Tobirama swore under his breath.

"G ! Do the thing !!" he screamed.

Fortunately for him, Gengetsu understood immediately. Tobirama jumped, planted his feet in the Raikage's large chest with as much strength as he could muster at the moment, hissing as the Raiton surrounding the man went through him. It hurt.

He kicked the Raikage, sending him flying in Gengetsu's direction. The Mizukage smiled like a maniac as he composed the handsigns for his Mist's Tyrant. The explosion was enough to send the Raikage flying again, singed. Straight into the stonewall Muu had invocated with his Doton.

The Raikage yelped indignantly as he faceplanted into the wall. Tobirama didn't wait to see if that was enough. He jumped on Gengetsu, grabbed him by the wrist, located Muu, shunshined to his position, grabbed him too and then hiraishined them out of there.

************

A groaned as he stood up. His nose hurt and his hair was singed. He was gonna obliterate these intruders. Except when he looked back, there was nobody left. He swore. Where the fuck were they ?! Something caught his eye.

He stomped to the object and took it. It was a wig. He frowned. His men were fretting around him.

"What happened ?!" he thundered.

"Marui caught G, and then she caught another person, an invisible one ! And then they just... disappeared ! Poof !" C babbled, obviously stressed.

A raised a brow. An invisible opponent, proficient in Doton, if the wall was anything to go by. A sudden disappearance. And this explosion... A looked at the wig. This looked like Marui's hair. He scowled. He had happened to see Tobirama Senju without armor on during the aborted peace treaty. The man was slender, more than most. He could probably pass off as a woman with the right clothes on and a corset.

And the two others...

There was only one invisible man known in the Elemental Coutries. Muu. And that explosion was Gengetsu's signature move. It was completely crazy, these three were supposed to be dead ! Except they were apparently not, instead pillaging the archives of his village.

He wondered why. But then he just had to go after them and extract the answers out of them. The fact that Tobirama Senju looked stunning in a dress had nothing to do with this decision. Nothing at all. Nah-uh. Nope.

A crooked smile spread A's lips.

"I'm going after them !" he said.

C screamed in offended stress.

"For fuck's sake, Raikage-sama, we're in the middle of a fucking war ! You cannot take that kind of decision like that !"

"Fucking watch me !"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody have mercy on C, his stress levels are through the roof ^^


	6. chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Muu and Gengetsu get some answers out of Tobirama.
> 
> A meets someone unexpected.

Muu, Gengetsu and Tobirama landed heavily in the cave they had used as a shelter after Tobirama's fight with the Kinkaku unit. Muu and Gengetsu immediately started retching, unable to distinguish up from down. Tobirama knelt, breath knocked out of his chest, the taste of blood in his mouth. Heaving, he scratched at his dress, tore it in half, feeling the lack of air plaguing his vision. With a moan, he tore the lace of his corset and threw it away from him, crumpling on the ground with a relieved whine.

His two companions were still vomiting their guts and Tobirama felt a sting of sympathy. First time through the Hiraishin was always Bad with a capital B. Sighing, he lay on his back on the ground, putting a hand glowing green on his side, closing his eyes when the pain ebbed. He was exhausted, and apparently hadn't completely recovered from reaching the gates of death. Trying to break into Kumo so soon had been a stupid idea. At least, they got what they had been searching for.

Small victory.

Muu and Gengetsu retched for a few more minutes, that Tobirama used to straighten against one of the cave's walls. But when Muu finally found his balance again, he surged toward Tobirama with a warcry and caught him by the neck, pushing him against the cold stone. Tobirama yelped indignantly and grabbed the Tsuchikage's hand, trying to push it away from his throat, but he was still too weak.

"Now you're going to tell us the truth !" Muu snarled rabidly.

"Chill a little bit, Muu," Gengetsu tried weakly.

"No, I won't chill ! We almost got captured ! So spit the truth Senju, or I swear to the Sage, I'm gonna make you spit it !!"

To back his threat, he pushed a kunai under Tobirama's naked pectoral and the Senju stopped trashing, way too aware of the cutting metal kissing his skin.

"I told you all the truth," he said as calmly as he could.

That only seemed to enrage Muu further. The blade actually broke the skin and Tobirama keened between his teeth.

"Bullshit ! You said the archives had been tampered with the Mokuton ! Only your brother has it ! If not him then who ?!"

"For fuck's sake, Muu ! If I had anything to do with this war, why would have I told you about the Mokuton ?!!"

That seemed to sober the Tsuchikage, who let go of Tobirama as if he had been slapped. Tobirama rubbed his throat and glared at the other man.

"Your brother..." Muu started.

"Is dead," Tobirama countered tiredly. He wanted to sleep.

"We have no proofs ! Maybe he faked his death ! Maybe..!"

"HE'S DEAD !!!" Tobirama screamed. And he sounded like a wounded animal. Muu jumped out of his skin and Gengetsu startled. The Hokage had always been so calm and collected, seeing him loose his cool like that was unexpected.

"He's dead," Tobirama croacked again. His eyes were wet with tears and pleading as he looked at Muu.

That was enough for Gengetsu. Standing up, he grabbed Muu by the arm, divested him of his kunai and pulled him to sit next to Tobirama. He forced the Tsuchikage to sit, and grabbed the Hokage by the shoulder, hugged the two smaller men. Muu hissed and squirmed in discomfort while Tobirama just melted into the hug, his eyes closing.

"Okay," Gengetsu started,"now that everybody is calmer, we can speak. Muu is right, death can be faked. Just look at us. You should tell us why you're so sure that your brother is dead..."

Tobirama stayed silent for a long moment, and Gengetsu was starting to fear he had fallen asleep when the former Hokage finally spoke, voice small and hesitant.

"The Mokuton users... when they die, they... change into trees... Hashirama is in the garden of the Head House of the Senju compound..."

Gengetsu blinked. Muu blinked. Of all the things they had imagined, this was not one of them.

"Your brother is a tree," Muu said dumbly.

"Yeah... which is why he couldn't have started this war..."

"This is actually a very good explanation," Gengetsu said.

They three men stayed huddled together in silence for a long moment, just appreciating each other's warmth, before Muu spoke again.

"Now what ?"

"I don't know," Tobirama admitted, exhausted,"I was so sure Kumo was the culprit... I don't know what to do now..."

This was a first for him. He always knew what to do next. But now, he just wanted to sleep.

"Well, I do," Gengetsu said confidently.

The two other men actually did a double take.

"You do ?" Muu snorted.

"Yep !" the former Mizukage said,"we already know that Kumo's and Konoha's archives have been tampered with. I say we check the other villages to see if it's the same there, and find clues to track the real culprit. Kiri is not actually far from here."

There was a long and dubious silence, and then...

"You want to break into Kiri," Tobirama deadpanned.

"Yeah," Muu snarked,"because it worked so well the first time..."

"But this time, we'll have insider's intel !" Gengetsu said enthousiastically, pointing at himself.

Muu and Tobirama stared at him, glanced at each other, rolled their eyes and sighed.

"I have the feeling we're gonna regret that," the Hokage mumbled.

************

A had been tracking his preys for three days now. He had found the cave in which they had taken shelter, but they had already departed, and their tracks were incredibly difficult to follow. Muu's work, no doubt. That wasn't convenient for the Raikage.

After following an umpteeth false trail, as he was swearing loudly in the forest, A felt a killing intent directed his way. He didn't have the time to dodge. Someone bodyslammed into him and sent him flying. Yowling indignantly, he rolled on his shoulder, and crouched, ready to attack, but the other ninja was already on him.

And before he could do anything, he was on his back, a kunai under his throat, surrounded by scorching red chakra. Strong legs were bracketing his waist, as Mito Uzumaki was kneeling over him, her teeth bared, her eyes glowing red, in all her glorious fury.

"Oh fuck," A breathed, absolutely in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *loud cackle*


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seducing the Mizukage ! part 1

Tobirama was starting to think following Gengetsu's plan might have been a very bad idea. He could feel eyes on him and people turned and stared when he went past them. Tobirama scowled even harder.

"Admit it," he hissed under his breath,"this is your revenge for me ditching you in Kumo..."

They had crossed the sea on a tiny little boat, the surest way to get to Kiri without getting caught. Muu had been horribly seasick, bemoaning about his fate and throwing up every five minutes. Tobirama had never felt so cold in his life, even during that fucking mission in Snow Country. Gengetsu had been like a fish in the water, singing sea shanties off key for all the duration of the travel. If Muu had been less sick and Tobirama less cold, they probably would have murdered him.

Finally, they had reached the land, and Gengetsu had exposed them his plan to get into Kiri's archives (which apparently were more or less a dump) without being caught. At first Tobirama had protested, had balked, but Muu had stared him down and said he was the one who started this whole nonsense and that he'd better do the fucking thing. Tobirama could see that his predicament made his two companions gleeful. But Muu was right so he had relented and done the fucking thing.

"Now, why would you think that ?" Gengetsu asked the living picture of innocence. For only disguise, he was wearing a fake mustache.

Tobirama tssked.

And that was why he was here, dressed as a female prostitute, wearing a blood-red kimono which let his shoulders bare, with a black obi tied in the front and a black wig, long straight raven hair reaching his shoulders. His lips were painted red, his eyes outlined by kohl and he was litterally on his way to seduce the Mizukage to keep him off their tracks.

He was going to punt Gengetsu to the fucking sun.

"Stop scowling, you're scaring people," Muu whispered, next to him, invisible.

"No, keep scowling," Gengetsu said,"Kiri shinobi find that hot. In fact, scowl harder."

Tobirama heard Muu facepalm, glared daggers at Gengetsu and then scowled harder. He could swear the levels of lust in the street raised exponentially. Fucking shinobi and their fucked up survival instincts. The Uchiha were exactly the same.

Finally, they reached their destination, the Mizukage residence, which was right next to the Tower where the archives were. Gengetsu stalked to the guard and started smooth-talking him. Tobirama seriously wondered his Kiri shinobi had the memories of a goldfish, since Gengetsu was still their Mizukage litteral weeks ago, and he wasn't even trying to hide, but nobody seemed to recognized him. Or nobody gave a flying fuck.

The guard rolled his eyes, nodded at whatever Gengetsu was saying and went inside. Gengetsu gave a victory sign to Tobirama, before sauntering to him and throwing his arm on the Hokage's shoulders. The Senju heard Muu sighed very hard.

"I got you a client, sweetie !"

It took all of Tobirama's willpower not to punch him in the face. But at this moment, the door opened and the Third Mizukage got out. A tall man with long shiny black hair and a shifty gaze. Tobirama tensed and shivered. He didn't like that one.

"I've been told you had goods for me, merchant," the Mizukage said, assessing Tobirama, who crossed his arms on his chest, pouted and glared. That seemed to get the man's attention, given the tiny smile that quirked his lips up.

"I was gong to send you away," the Mizukage said,"but I have to admit that she is truly magnificent. How much ?"

"Twenty thousand ryo an hour !" Gengetsu answered tit for tat.

The Mizukage hummed and circled Tobirama slowly, who did his best not to do something stupid (like drowning everybody and retire somewhere to herd goats). The man patted his shoulders, his back, his ass, and actually sniffed him. It was giveng the Senju the shivers.

"A little expensive," the Mizukage finally said,"but fine. Come collect her in three hours, you'll be paid then."

"Very well ! See you in three hours sweetie !" Gengetsu cheered, waving at Tobirama, who was following the Mizukage inside. He was pretty sure that if looks could kill, he would have destroyed Gengetsu and half the street just by glaring at them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seducing the Mizukage, part 2 !

Tobirama was following the Mizukage to his private chambers, the gears turning in his head. He needed to find a way to render the man helpless, preferably before he found out that Tobirama wasn't actually a woman. Of course, he could probably kill him (he sensed that the man was strong but not as strong as Tobirama, even with his ridiculous outfit hindering him) but the Mizukage would without a doubt put up a fight (people never appreciated being killed) and that would draw attention, which was the exact opposite of what they wanted to do.

So no killing.

He could knock him out or drug him. Actually this was a good idea, he happened to have a drug in his possession, which he was immune to, scentless, colorless, tasteless, which could knock grown men out in two seconds top. He would just pretend to go to the toilet, mix the drug with his lipstick and then come back to kiss the man senseless. Litterally.

But then, he entered in the Mizukage's private chambers, and his logical and carefully crafted plan flew through the (metaphorical) window (since there wasn't any).

The room was looking like a dungeon. Not a tasty sex dungeon, no. A fucking torture dungeon. There were shackles and ropes and whips and pincers and others things Tobirama wasn't really sure of the use hanging on the wall. It was dimly lit and musty, and Tobirama briefly wondered how could someone live in there and not want to hang themselves. The only thing showing the purpose of the room was the double bed with a reinforced wood frame in the middle of it.

A shiver tickled Tobirama's spine. He actually didn't mind being tied up during sex, from time to time. But this was a mission, and if the other discovered he wasn't a woman, he was gonna get pissed off. And if Tobirama let him tie him up to a bed, there was no way the Mizukage wouldn't discover the fraud. Plus, he really didn't want to get tied up by this man in particular, thank you very much !

He searched for a way to get out of here, raking his brain for an idea, when the Mizukage put a wad of cash on a table, stripped of his shirt and grabbed a roll of rope. Tobirama was starting to panic, desperately searching for a way to get out of this situation without starting a fight and drawing attention (especially since he was sensing several guards near). But then, the Mizukage shoved the rope into Tobirama's arms just as he opened his mouth, before sitting on the bed.

"I hope you know how to tie a knot," the Mizukage said.

Tobirama did a double take, his eyes going from the half naked man on the bed to the rope in his arms. He really couldn't believe his luck. He smirked slyly.

"Oh, I think you will be satisfied with my skills," he all but purred, cackling internally.

************

Meanwhile, in the archives.

"Are you fucking kidding me ?" Muu snarled,"there isn't an ounce of organization in this ! This is a fucking dump ! How the fuck are we gonna find this fucking roster ?!"

Gengetsu laughed and Muu, for the upteenth time in five minutes, contemplated killing him with extreme prejudice.

"Don't worry," Gengetsu said lazily,"the mission rosters are here."

He gestured to a pile of haphazardly thrown scrolls in a corner. Muu felt his right eye twitch.

************

Tobirama finished tying the last knot and straightened up to admire his handywork. The Mizukage was spread eagle on the bed, completely bound to the sturdy wooden feet, without an inch of give. He wouldn't move. Tobirama smirked and jumped on the bed, before straddling the man's waist and letting himself fall, knocking the breath out of him.

"Is it to your liking ?" he teased, liking his lips slowly. Because this was certainly to his.

"It's satisfying," the Mizukage answered, voice a little hoarse (and Tobirama could feel his erect cock rubbing against his ass),"now back to business."

"So demanding," the Senju pouted.

Because he wasn't a complete asshole, he kissed the man, hungry, warm and filthy.

Then, he headbutted him so hard he knocked him out.

************

Meanwhile, in the archives.

Muu was sounding like a boiling tea-keetle, as he was whispering curses and death threats under his breath, searching inside the gigantic pile of mission roster. Then Gengetsu straightened up, covered in dust, hold a scroll.

"Ah ah !!" he cheered in victory.

It took all of Muu's willpower not to punch him in the face.

************

Tobirama checked that the Mizukage was actually unconscious (he was), stood up, smoothed the wrinkles on his kimono and hopped off the bed. He extended his senses to find the two idiots he was working with. Given the cheer in Gengetsu's chakra and the tamed frustration in Muu's, they probably had found what they were looking for.

Tobirama was about to hiraishin to their position, thanks to the seal he had put on Muu, when his eyes fell on the roll of cash on the table. He pouted, scrunched his nose and then decided that he had earned that. He pocketted the money and teleported inside the archives.

Gengetsu yelped when he appeared and Tobirama bit his lower lip not to laugh.

"Did you find the roster ?" he asked.

"Yeah," Muu said tiredly, waving a scroll,"is the Mizukage out of commission ?"

"He's sleeping soundly."

"Perfect !" Gengetsu cheered," now we just need to get out of here."

Grinning wickedly, Tobirama grabbed them both by the shoulder and hiraishined them to the shore, where he had left a seal. He greatly appreciated seeing them throw up when they arrived. Served them well.

************

Muu knew Tobirama had done it on purpose, the asshole. He shakily got on his feet, as Tobirama tore his wig from his head, before looking at Gengetsu.

"This is the last time I'm dressing up as a prostitute, you fucking ass..."

Tobirama's imminent diatribe was interrupted, when the man paled then became slightly green. Muu raised a brow.

"Muu," Tobirama asked too calmly to be honest,"can you please look behind me and tell me what you see ?"

Intrigued, Muu did so. His (innexistant) eyebrows disappeared in his (innexistant) hairline when he saw two people standing a furlong away, arms crossed on their chests. There was the Raikage, as well as a red-headed woman in a green battle kimono, who was looking fairly pissed off. They made their way to the three companions. Muu turned to Tobirama, who was still frozen.

"Hum, there is the Raikage, and a woman with red hair and... wait, she's signing something..."

Muu squinted, before translating.

"She's saying 'Tell this idiot I'm gonna kick his ass concave'."

Tobirama made a face.

"Well," he said weakly,"it was good knowing you..."

He turned to face the newcomers.

"Hey ! Mito !" he said too cheerfully not to be fake,"I swear I have a good explanation..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surviving Mito's wrath !

"You see, that's a funny story," Tobirama babbled, panic clear in his tone,"because..."

The woman - Mito, the First Hokage's widow, Tobirama's sister-in-law, if Muu wasn't mistaken - raised a hand and Tobirama immediately shut up. Muu decided he liked her. She smiled, friendly, serene, and absolutely fucking terrifying.

"Tobirama," she said flatly,"you know I love you, right ?"

The white-haired Senju nodded and flinched.

"This is the only reason I'm gonna give you a five-second headstart. You can give me your very good explanations after I kick your ass. Got it ?"

Tobirama nodded frantically, turned on his heels and scrammed like he had the Shinigami after him, the fold of his red kimono flapping. He disappeared into the nearby forest before Muu understood what was happening. Under the flabbergasted Kage's (except the Raikage, who was looking at her amorously) eyes, Mito counted calmly to five, before letting out a warcry and rushing after her fleeing brother-in-law. Muu and Gengetsu, stunned, watched her transform into a seven stories tall red fox and barrel into the forest.

"What the fuck ?" Gengetsu said.

Muu turned to A, who was snickering in his beard.

"How the fuck did you find yourself with Mito Uzumaki of all people ?" he asked.

"I met her while I was searching for you," A answered,"she jumped me and beat in two seconds top ! Then she told me she was looking for her brother-in-law, who was an idiot who had faked his death, so I followed her !"

He smiled and Muu deadpanned. Of fucking course the Senju were all crazy (and when he looked at the Raikage, he made himself the reflexion that it was probably contagious (or more reasonably, all powerful ninja were crazy)). At this moment, there was an explosion of steam in the forest and a cry for mercy echoed through the air. Gengetsu grimaced.

"Damn... I wouldn't like being in Tobirama's shoes right now," he said.

Muu nodded in sympathy. Another explosion shook the ground and Muu started to wonder if they were going to see the Second Hokage back in one piece.

"By the way," A asked curiously," what were you doing with Snowflake into Kumo ?"

Muu was about to answer when another explosion cut him. There was a long silence then Mito emerged from the forest, dragging an unconscious Tobirama by the ankle. The man was face down on the ground, covered in bruises and dirt and his kimono was in tatters. She smiled at them and Muu felt a shiver of fear tickle down his back. Then she hauled Tobirama up by the skin of his neck and threw him on her shoulder like a potato sack.

"Gentlemen," she cheered,"why don't we find a more comfortable place so we can discuss ?"

They nodded, not daring to contradict her.

************

Two hours later, they found themselves in an abbandonned fisherman's house, by the shore. Mito had deposited the still unconscious Tobirama on a futon and was now sitting by his side, looking at the three men.

"So," she said,"explanations. Quickly."

Muu nodded and produced the two rosters they had found in Kumo and Kiri. He explained what had happened since him and Gengetsu had received a cryptic message from Tobirama and decided to take the risk answering to it. They told her about the doubts Tobirama had about the war, doubts that had only been heightened by the discovery of the tampered rosters. Mito considered this before sighing. She produced a scroll of her own and opened it. It was blank like the two other rosters.

"This is the Konoha mission roster of the period preceding the start of the war," she said,"like you see, it had been tampered with too..."

A scrunched his nose. At this moment, Tobirama moved and his eyes blinked open. He looked warily at Mito.

"Am I forgiven ?" he asked.

She snorted and patted his hair.

"Yes, you are. But if you do that ever again, I'm going to skin you."

Tobirama smiled weakly and nodded.

"Understood, ma'am. No more faking my death..."

He sat up, groaning, and dragged a hand down his face.

"So you found the roster," he said.

"Yes. And it was one of the reason I went after you when I guessed you were still alive."

"What was the other ? Except that you wanted to kick my ass."

"Hashirama's been kidnapped..."

Tobirama's eyes widened. Gengetsu was looking wildly between the two Senju. A seemed completely lost.

"Wait," he said,"isn't your husband dead ?"

"He is," Mito answered.

"But you said..."

"Excuse me," Muu interrupted him, his right eye twitching,"did you just say that someone kidnapped a tree ?" (Mito looked at Tobirama and raised her eyebrows interrogatively. The former Hokage just shrugged.)

"Yes."

"Your husband is a tree ?!" A exclaimed.

"It's complicated," Tobirama sighed,"do you have any idea who could have done it ?"

"None. But I would bet my right hand that it's the same asshole who tampered with our archives."

There was a silence.

"So now what ?" Gengetsu said.

"We know that neither Konoha, nor Kumo, nor Kiri is the culprit. That leaves us with two other options. And we're closest to Suna," Muu said.

Tobirama groaned.

"As long as I don't have to dress as a prostitute, it's okay for me," he grumbled.

When he saw Mito smile wickedly, he understood that he might have made a mistake.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking into Suna ! part 1

"I hate all of you," Tobirama groused loudly,"so fucking much. I will kill all of you in your sleep just so I can have the pleasure to piss on your graves !"

They had left Kiri two weeks ago, before berthing the shores of Suna (Muu had been sick again and Gengetsu had sang his sea shanties again. Fortunately for everyone's sanity and Gengetsu's continued survival, One look from Mito was enough to make him shut up till the end of the trip). They had managed to blend into a caravan going to Suna and had entered the city without too much difficulties (since Suna could count on their desert to fend off intruders, the security measures around the village were less drastric than around the other villages).

Regarding their plan to get their hands on the information they needed was roughly the same than in Kiri. One group would distract the Kazekage while the other would snuck into the archive to snoop around. It had been decided that Tobirama, Gengetsu and A would form the diversion team while Mito and Muu would form the snooping team.

"Stop being dramatic," Muu said offhandedly as he checked his kunai pouch.

A large fair was to be held the next day, and the Kazekage was sure to attend it. They had decided to strike at this moment. Shamon was know to be a fan of belly-dancers, and unfortunately for Tobirama, his dignity and his faltering sanity, he was the only one who knew the moves.

"Dramatic ? Dramatic ?! My status plummets as my level of undress increases ! I went from kunoichi to prostitute to belly-dancer ! What's the next step ? You're going to throw me in front of Iwa's gates naked ?!"

"Now that's an idea," Gengetsu chuckled.

Tobirama's head whipped in his direction, his right eye twitching murderously. Gengetsu raised his hands in mock surrender. Him and A would play the musicians for Tobirama. They suffered a crash-course in shamisen under Mito's tutelage (to Tobirama's glee, at least he wouldn't be the only one to suffer) and weren't so bad at it. Mito tutted as she sharpened her shuriken.

"Stop complaining, Tobi. You want your answers or not ?"

"Yes. I just would like it better if I could stay clothed to get them," he sniped, arms crossed on his chest.

"Come on," A said teasingly," you're not that naked..."

Choking on his fury, Tobirama gestured to his person. He was wearing only a leather thong, with translucent blue veils tied around his hips, as well as a large leather belt, to which dozen of little silver bells and bronze disks had been sewn. He was also wearing a large leather collar, covering his neck and his shoulders, with straps passing under his arms to maintain it into place. Like for the belt, silver bells and bronze disks had been sewn to it. They were clinking with every one of Tobirama's movements. A blue veil was hiding the lower half of his face. His skin had been coated in a special oil to make it look tanned and his hair dyed red.

He was vaguely looking like a Uzumaki had had a child with an inhabitant of Suna.

"Not naked ?" he growled,"that thing leaves nothing to the imagination !"

He groaned and squirmed, before finally sighing with all his might.

"To be honest, I think I'd prefer being naked. Because this fucking thong keeps digging in my..."

"We're ready !" Mito said, jumping on her feet. Muu nodded and gave her a thumb-up. Mito turned to Tobirama and took his face between her palms. Her brother-in-law pouted at her like a petulant child. She laughed softly.

"Just do what you are best at, okay ?" she said.

"And that would be ?" Tobirama groaned.

"Being a special kind of perfectionnist," she laughed. Tobirama's features softened and he took one of her hands in his.

"You take care of yourself," he said. Mito nodded seriously.

"Of course. You too, take care of yourself."

Tobirama nodded and brought their foreheads together. They breathed deeply, their eyes closed, before separating. Mito turned to Muu, and they disappeared quickly. Then Tobirama turned to his two accomplices and started glowering.

"Let's go. The fair is in two hours and we shouldn't be late."

He took off, his veils shimmering around his hips, the bells pealing with each of his steps. As they fell into step behind him, their eyes trained on his ass (because Tobirama was right, this garment left absolutely nothing to the imagination) he looked at them over his shoulder.

"And if you fuck up your part, I'm gonna shove your shamisen up your asses !" he added, sounding murderous.

A delicious shiver of fear raked through Gengetsu and A.

************

Shamon was deambulating through the fair, looking at the performers with a distracted eye. Till now, nothing had really caught his fancy and he was starting to get bored. He sighed and decided to try another part of the fair, his guards following him.

An hour passed, but still nothing interesting. He was about to leave when he saw him.

The man was alone on a scene, two musicians performing a tune for him to dance on. And dancing he was doing. Each movement was like a painting of ancient masters come to life, the pealing of the bells sewn into the dancer's (minimal) outfit completing a truly magnificent picture. Shamon stopped dead in his tracks, gaping largely, blood rushing south at an alarming pace.

The dancer was the most beautiful man Shamon had ever seen (and it was funny, because he could have bet he had already seen him somewhere. He'd thought about it later, when he wouldn't be so busy contemplating the way the narrow hips were rolling, making the blue veils shimmer). The dancer apparently noticed him, saw him stare and he winked.

Shamon's heart started beating a staccato.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think their stratagem might work way better than they thought it would ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking into Suna ! part 2

Tobirama smiled crookedly behind his blue veil. Shamon had seen him and if the man's gaping face and twisting chakra was anything to go by, he was hooked. Now, Tobirama only had to keep the Kazekage's attention till Mito and Muu found the roster and got out of the archives. He could sense them, deep under the Kazekage's palace, still searching.

He had to buy them time.

With a pointed eyebrow, he signify A and Gengetsu to change the tune. The music accelerated and Tobirama kept dancing, his moves becoming more daring, shifting from crowd entertainment to seduction. In front of the scene, Shamon blushed. Tobirama grinned and started twirling onto himself, before jumping into the air. He saw Shamon's breath hitch.

So he approached, still dancing, the veils flying around him, the silver bells and the bronze disks peeling with every single one of his move. He followed the music, dancing, turning, using all of his training to keep the Kazekage's attention on him. Not that it was really difficult. Shamon was shamelessly panting like a dog in heat (seemed like the man's obession with belly-dancer hadn't been downplayed by rumors).

Finally, as the song came to an end, Tobirama fel on his knees on the edge of the scene and carressed Shamon's face with his index, from ear to chin.

"Tell me, Kazekage-sama," he growled, pitching his voice low enough to elicit a shiver in his interlocutor,"did you like the show ?"

************

"Muu-san," Mito whispered,"I think I found what we were looking for..."

Muu, covered in dust and sand from head to toes, emerged from a pile of rosters and approached his team-mate, shaking the dust of his back. Mito was holding a dusty scroll (everything was covered in dust in this fucking village). Muu checked the date on it.

"It's this one," he confirmed.

The two accomplices opened it. Like the three others in their possession, it was blank. Muu groaned and dragged a hand down his face tiredly.

"So it's not Suna either," he grumbled,"for fuck's sake, it leaves only Iwa, and I can swear that it's not us !"

"I believe you, Muu-san," Mito said, rolling the scroll,"the more I think about it, the more I think this whole situation is due to someone who doesn't belong to one of the five great villages..."

"Then who ? Maybe Taki..."

Mito shook her head negatively.

"I don't think so. Taki isn't known for their subtelty, that kind of plot isn't like them. Furthermore, they do not have enough power to break into Konoha and kidnap my husband. No, it was someone who knows about the Mokuton and its effects, and who knew where Hashirama was..."

She tapped the scroll against her lower lip, looking pensive.

"It's funny," she said,"because if he hadn't been dead, I would have bet on Madara Uchiha being the culprit. Starting a world war seems like the kind of petty thing this asshole would do..."

She shrugged.

"Let's get out of here and join the others. They might have other ideas..."

They did just that, escaping the archives as silently as they had gotten inside. However, when they joined the other team, it was to see that Tobirama was missing. Mito frowned.

"Where is my brother-in-law ?" she demanded.

Gengetsu laughed weakly and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, while A was subtly inching away, apparently trying to get out of the line of fire.

"Well, you see," Gengetsu started,"it's a funny story... he... the Kazekage kinda kidnapped him..."

Mito smiled. Her smile was kind and gentle. Her aura was conveying the feeling that she wanted to skin the two idiots with her teeth. A gulped.

"He's been unmasked and you didn't even try to help him ?" she said very slowly.

"Hum, no," A intervened just in time to save Gengetsu's ass,"he hasn't been unmasked. The Kazekage still think he is just a belly-dancer."

Mito raised a brow. Muu had a bad feeling. What did these idiots do again ?

"Why did Shamon kidnap him, then ?" Mito asked.

"I... think he loved Tobirama's dancing a little too much... he said something about a private show and making him a concubine..."

Mito deadpanned. Muu facepalmed. A shrugged helplessly. Gengetsu chuckled.

"What do we do now ?" Muu said tiredly. He needed a long loooonnng nap, preferably away from this nonsense.

"Now we rescue him," Mito groaned. Her expression showed that she shared his sentiment.

"So much for discretion," A deadpanned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^ Tobirama is trying to fend off a very amorous Shamon !


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking out of Suna !

Tobirama was internally cursing all the gods he knew (and some he didn't know), as well as Mito (because it was her idea, and he knew she was reveling in his suffering, she was a sadist like that), for the situation he was currently in.

For fuck's sake, he was just supposed to distract the Kazekage ! How did he end up in this mess was beyond him.

In front of him, a very amorous Shamon kept kissing the back of his hand, while Tobirama was doing his best to inch away from him, but was dragged back every time. The guards at the door were giving him looks of commiseration, but he could sense in their chakra that his predicament was amsuing them. The fuckers ! Shamon's kisses were creeping higher on his arm and Tobirama shivered.

"Kazekage-sama," he said, doing his best to keep his voice even,"far from me the intention to offend you, but I really need to go now. My... my sister will worry if I am not here for dinner..."

Shamon stopped kissing his hand (and Tobirama sighed in relief, because he had been one hair short to punch him in the face) and looked at him amorously.

"Just tell me where she is, and I'll send guards search for her and bring her here to share our dinner," he said,"I don't want to be separated from you one second. You are just so talented - a kiss on the hand - so beautiful - a kiss on the wrist - I want to look at you dance till the end of times."

He finished his spiel with another kiss on Tobirama's wrist, who was having goosbumps, and not the good kind.

"I am very flattered," he said, the corner of his mouth twitching a little,"but..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Shamon had sat on his large chair and dragged Tobirama with him. The Hokage ended up on his lap and he blushed madly (fortunately, the effect was a little attenuated by his veil and the oil he had used to tan his skin). He could feel Shamon's... ehr... enthousiasm.

He was gonna have to blow his cover and punch the Kazekage in the face, wasn't he ?

And what were his useless team-mates doing, dammit ?! He could feel them, having reunited with Mito and Muu, but they weren't coming his way. Seriously, why weren't they coming to help him ? Preferably before he did something stupid, like assassinating the dirigeant of another country because... oh gods, were those hands on his ass ?!

Those were indeed hands on his ass.

As he was resolving himself to a diplomatic incident, via him tearing Shamon's throat open with his teeth, an explosion shook the palace. Shamon startled and Tobirama blinked. This was not what he was thinking about when he thought about his companions helping him.

"Kazekage-sama !" a guard rushed inside,"we are under attack !"

Tobirama saw his chance.

"Maybe you should go take care of these assailants," he said,"I'll wait here..."

But Shamon caught him under the knees and hauled him up bridal style. Tobirama yelped in offence.

"The sight of your magnificence will bring me luck !" he said, flashing a million watts smile at Tobirama, who shivered.

For fuck's sake !

************

Mito was surprised to see the Kazekage jump off a window, with a bristling Tobirama in his arms, before Shamon landed heavily in front of them. Her brother-in-law was looking incensed, and his scowl could probably scare armies. It took all of Mito's will-power not to snicker at his predicament, he would probably not have forgiven her.

"Who are you, villains," Shamon thundered,"to interrupt my evening ?!!"

It would probably have sounded more threatening if he didn't have had an armful of squirming Tobirama. Mito looked at A and nodded. She threw a seal to distract Shamon, while Muu formed the handsigns for a doton. The seal exploded and A flickered forward, as fast as Tobirama, and grabbed the former Hokage from the unbalanced Shamon and threw him on his shoulder like a potato sack.

"We run !!" Mito roared.

And they did, with all of Suna's army at their heels.

So much for discretion, indeed.

Hours later, after they finally managed to loose them (Tobirama had hiraishined them away and Mito suspected it was a petty revenge on his part), they stopped at a little oasis to eat a bit and to clean, in Tobirama's case. He emerged from the water, wet and completely naked, his skin and his hair having found their natural color. He gratefully caught the towel Mito threw his way.

"Dammit," he groaned,"this was the most mortifying thing that ever happened to me..."

At this moment, Shamon surged from the sandy ground, a few meters away.

"Don't worry my love ! I've come to save you !"

Then he saw Tobirama.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Madara ! part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it me, or does Shamon sounds like Gai in this ?

Shamon blinked, gaping like a fish out of the water. Tobirama blinked, stark naked, half-way in the process of drying his hair, wine red eyes wide open in surprise. Mito (the traitor !) slapped a hand on her mouth to contain her laughter (it was nervous ! This was her version and she was sticking to it). Muu facepalmed, tired of everything. Gengetsu's fork stopped an inch from his open mouth, making him look like an idiot. A just grabbed his bottle of sake (that he kept on him for emergencies, like when he needed to drink himself under the table to forget the madness of the day) and emptied it in one go.

And then...

"Betrayal !!!" Shamon roared, pointing at a blushing Tobirama, who quickly wound his towel around his midsection to perserve what was left of his modesty with an offended yelp. Mito (the traitor !) started laughing her ass off, unable to stop (was it her fault if riling her so serious brother-in-law up was such fun ?). Muu stood up and went to sleep, clamoring loudly that he needed a nap. Gengetsu started laughing and pointing at Tobirama. A produced another bottle of sake and downed this one too (why did he accept to be part of this madness, already ? Oh yes, pretty deadly Mito and the Hokage's booty...).

"How dare you ?!" Shamon shrieked, as loud as an Uchiha,"I gave you my heart and my love !"

"Listen..." Tobirama tried, trying to keep his towel in place as he dodged the sand blade coming his way.

"You stomped on my heart like it was nothing ! Was it a game for you ?!"

"No, I..."

Another sand blade interrupted him.

"I demand compensation !!!!" Shamon hollered.

Tobirama blinked again.

"What ?" he croacked, tone heavy with disbelief. Mito (the traitor !) was convulsing on the ground from laughter.

"You shall dance for me !! And maybe I will forget this offence !!!"

Tobirama's right eye twitched. He was pretty sure that Mito (the traitor !) was dead, the spasms agitating her being only nervous responses. He blushed all the way to his hairline, his body growing tense with embarrassement.

"Absolutely fucking not !" he snapped, his cheeks burning.

************

Five days later, the now six partners in crime were making their way to Earth Country. After long hours of battle and negociations, Shamon had finally accepted to join their little expedition, on the condition that when they would have find the responsible for the war, Tobirama would give him a lapdance. Tobirama had loudly refused at first, but he was alone against five, so he had to accept (he was going to make them pay, all of them fucking traitors who reveled in his suffering !). At least, it bought him some time before he had to ridicule himself once again.

The nights were fresh, so they all slept in piles, Tobirama and Muu, who had the coldest body temperature of them all, sandwiched in the middle. Tobirama did not appreciate this situation. He did not ! At all.

(Okay, maybe a little, because he was feeling warm and grounded by their combined weights and it reminded him of his childhood when him and his brothers slept in the same bed. He could get used to it...)

As they were walking in a deep and menacing forest, Tobirama, who was keeping his senses extended to detect enemies, suddenly sensed a chakra he hadn't think he would sense ever again. He stopped dead in his tracks, Gengetsu crashing gracelessly against his back.

"Oi ! What the fuck ?!" the former Mizukage groused.

"Tobi ?" Mito tried, worried by her brother-in-law's haunted expression.

"Hashirama," Tobirama breathed, not believing what he was feeling. He crouched, putting two fingers to the ground and extending his chakra.

"What ?" Muu said urgently.

"I sensed Hashirama's chakra."

"Your tree brother ?" A asked, curious.

Shamon was looking totally lost.

"Yes. Shamon, use your sand and tell me if there is something underneath us."

"On it," the Kazekage said, flashing Tobirama a million-watt smile. Like the Hokage, he crouched and applied his hands to the ground, grains of sands sinking into the ground. After a few minutes, he opened his eyes, looking a little concerned.

"There is a gigantic cave underneath us," he said," and several persons in it. And tunnels, too. A lot of tunnels."

"We're going to look over it," Mito said firmly, her beautiful face set in a terrifying expression,"Muu-san..."

Muu nodded, composed the handsigns for a Doton, and a second later, they had a tunnel for their destination. They jumped into it one after the other, Gengetsu cackling because he had the feeling he was going to blow things up soon.

************

It took them some time to reach the large cave Shamon had located, because half-way through the tunnels, they had been attacked by strange white creatures. Mito, laser-focused on her objective, had blown them up with seals, Tobirama had whipped the Raijin no Ken and started hacking through them, Muu had gone invisible and stabbed them from behind, Gengetsu had followed Mito's lead and started blowing them up, A had crushed them and so did Shamon with his sand sarcophagus.

They finally reached the cave. And collectively stopped dead in their tracks before doing a double take, stunned.

Because at the other end of the cave, sitting on a strange throne-like chair that seemed embedded into a huge and ugly statue of a... humanoid creature with nine eyes, wearing what could only be qualified of a ugly nightgown, there was Madara Uchiha. Next to him, towering in a little ceramic pot, there was a large great oak, that Tobirama recognized as Hashirama.

He blinked.

What the actual fuck ?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Madara ! part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't help myself ^^

Madara blinked owlishly when he saw the five Nidaime Kage and Mito Uzumaki surge into his lair, slashing through the white Zetsu. What the fuck were they doing here ?! He was supposed to be untraceable. The six shinobi stopped dead in their tracks and gave him a stunned onceover. Madara squirmed, a little self-conscious (okay, he was wearing a nightgown, but that was because he had been taking a well-deserved nap when one of the Zetsu had shaken him awake to annouce him that their lair was being invaded. You couldn't blame him, taking over the world was hard ! Incidentely, it was also the reason he hadn't felt them coming...).

He opened his mouth to speak (maybe taunt them or something (more realistically to sreech like an enraged procupine at them)) when the Mizukage, a tall man with a goatee and a mustache who answered to the name Gengetsu if Madara wasn't mistaken, pointed at him and turned to a fuming Tobirama.

"Isn't he supposed to be dead ?" the Mizukage asked.

"He is," Tobirama seethed, his teeth bared, his wine red eyes promising a very painful death. Madara's dick gave an interested twitch (he might hate the Senju guts, but that didn't stop him from admitting the man had the body of a god and that Madara would have gladly gone down on him, if only the Senju hadn't been so infuriating (on a totally unrelated note, the few heated wet dreams he had about the youngest Senju brother might have been one of the reasons he had deserted Konoha, because it was either that or doing something very stupid that might have led to him being strung up by vines and castrated)).

"I see he still hadn't learnt the interest of a hairbrush," Muu hissed poisonously. Madara flipped him the bird, offended. There was nothing wrong with his glorious Uchiha mane !

"I also see that he is the one who has kidnapped my husband," Mito Uzumaki growled, having produced a battle axe twice her size from... somewhere on her person and waving it threateningly in Madara's direction. The Uchiha gulped. He had always been inexplicably terrified of the Uzumaki woman and he was thanking all the gods he knew that she hadn't shown up at the Valley of the End, because if she had, he would have surrendered on the spot. It would have destroyed his ego and his reputation.

"What is the meaning of this ?" Shamon and A said at the same time, looking a little lost.

Madara saw an opening and jumped on his feet, his nightgown flowing ridiculously around his bare legs (in his defense, it was difficult to look threatening when you looked like a grandma ready to go to bed).

"Fools ! You have fallen into my trap !" he thundered. He had no idea what he was doing (like it had mostly been the case since he had left Konoha), but maybe if he looked convinced enough, his bluff would work. Tobirama just arched an elegant and judging eyebrow and Mito snorted.

"Why do you have my husband, Uchiha ?" she snarled, still waving her axe.

"I need him for my plan," Madara replied. The white Zetsu were starting to swarm the cave, surroundering the intruders, but they didin't seem concerned by that.

"Which plan ?" Tobirama asked, sounding honestly curious. Madara puffed up his chest in pride, always ready to discourse on his master plan to save and dominate the world.

Two hours later, and confused explanations about the moon, a rabbit goddess from space, the ten-tailed demon and trapping the world into an illusion to rule over it, the six shinobi were looking at Madara with half gaping mouths and an expression that suggested they were wondering what the fuck he was on. Then, they gathered in a circle and started whispering in hushed voices. Madara strained his earing to try to understand what they were saying, but to no avail. Then, Tobirama turned to him, holding a scroll in his hands.

"After some deliberations," he said, looking really done,"we decided that we have no words to tell you what we think of your plan. So we decided to resort to pictures."

He unrolled the scroll.

It was showing a stick figure of a man with a mane of dark hair, crazy red eyes and a wide grin, fucking the word LOGIC from behind.

Madara blinked. A long and uneasy silence stretched in the cave. Gengetsu was looking like he was trying not to laugh. Muu and Mito were smirking. Tobirama was looking serene, but Madara knew him, usually that kind of expression on the Senju meant that he was internally laughing his ass off. Shamon and A were grinning from ear to ear without an ounce of shame.

Then Madara, deeply offended, screeched and rushed forward with the clear intention to pummel them, followed by the white Zetsu.

************

Five hours later, two third of the cave had been blown up, the white Zetsu had been reduced to ashes or firewood. Black Zetsu had shown himself and tried to help, but Mito and Tobirama had turned against him and kicked his ass in a spectacular fashion, the Uzumaki woman using her oversized axe to flatten him against the ground repeatedly while Tobirama zapped him with his Raijin no Ken, before finally seal him in a bottle.

Madara had managed to fend off the assaults of A and Muu before the little ceramic pot holding Hashirama had been shattered by one of Shamon's attack, and the great oak had fallen on the Uchiha, trapping him against the ground.

Tobirama was now gleefully trussing up Madara, while the others were killing off the surviving white Zetsu.

"A good thing done," he cheered, wiping the sweat and soot off his brow.

Madara felt like screeching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have never understood Madara's plan. There is so many holes in that thing that it's not a plan it's a gruyere !


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stopping the war !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frosty Abyss, I'm gonna borrow the idea about Madara's nightgown, because it makes me laugh my ass off ^^

Hiruzen gulped, all his muscles tensing. It was his first battle as a Hokage, and somehow, he feared it might be the last. The forces of the five Great Ninja Countries were facing each other on this battlefield, ready to throw down until only one was standing. Hiruzen would fight in first line and protect his men. It was his duty. Tobirama-sama had entrusted him the village before dying and he would prove himself worthy of this trust. Next to him, Danzo was looking grim, and Kagami had his Mangekyou on, observing their enemies with an almost clinical attention. Torifu, Homura and Koharu were behind them. All of them ready to attack.

Fortunately, some of the Kage of the other Countries, notably Kumo and Suna, had disappeared after an unknow team had broken inside their villages. Hiruzen didn't know who the fuck they were, neither why they did what they did, but he thanks them internally because it made only two Kage to fight rather than four, since Kumo and Suna still hadn't chosen a Sandaime.

The tension on the battlefield thickened so much it became almost impossible to breathe, and the temperature plumetted. The battle was about to start. It would be bloody and violent, hundreds of people would die, families would be broken, hopes would...

Just as the tension reached a peak annouciating the start of the battle, there was a single flash of light in the exact middle of the field between the five armies and seven people appeared. Hiruzen's eyes widened with surprise and he heard Kagami hiccup in disbelief.

Because in the middle of the field, there were the five Nidaime Kage (three of them who were supposed to be dead and two of them missing) as well as Mito Uzumaki, and a person wearing an ugly ass pink nightgown with yellow flowers printed on it, that Hiruzen recognized as Madara Uchiha. Who had been supposed to be dead for more than a decade now. They also had a gigantic oak in a little ceramic pot. Danzo fell on his ass, sounding like his breath had been knocked out of his chest. Kagami's eyes were so wide they were looking like they were bulging out of their sockets. Hiruzen felt his knees wobble weakly.

On Kumo's side, someone let out an anguished scream and started crying on their neighbourg shoulder, pointing at the Raikage, who was throwing up, bent in half (Hiruzen sympathized, the Hiraishin after-effects were quite painful). On Suna's side, several persons were screeching in the dialect of the desert. Hiruzen wasn't well versed in this language, but from what he was understanding, they were calling their formerly missing leader a "son of a goat who thinks with his dick". Hiruzen didn't want to know. The Kazekage, who was very green in the face and heaving, wasn't paying a sliver of attention to them, which apparently only served to incensed them more, for their insults became more and more creative.

On Kiri's side, the warriors were mostly chill and money was changing hands. Except for the newly appointed Sandaime Mizukage, who was glaring daggers at Tobirama-sama. On Iwa's side, all ninja had their heads in their hands and were apparently praying the gods to give them strength, because "For fuck's sake, not you too, master Muu !".

Meanwhile, Tobirama-sama was bickering with Gengetsu, hitting him repeatedly in the chest with his index.

"I told you I had a seal here ! Who's an idiot now, huh ? Who ?!"

Mito rolled her eyes and smacked them behind the head.

"Behave, children," she groaned. She then turned to Hiruzen. The young Hokage noticed that despite being mostly disheveled and sweaty and maybe a little singed, like all her companions (except Madara Uchiha, who was looking like he had been run over by a horde of elephants, on addition to being trussed up like a ham), she was still looking absolutely regal and terrifying.

"Hiruzen-kun," she smiled, that particular sort of smile that was at the same time very friendly and promising death,"we've come to tell you that it's not necessary to keep fighting. We've found the culprits for the war..."

She then gave Hiruzen a bottle filled with what appeared to be black tar, sealed to hell and back. Hiruzen took it gingerly. The leaders of the other armies approached, curious.

"Thank... you ?" Hiruzen tried, unsure of what to do with it,"what is it exactly ?"

"The thing that had been manipulating Madara Uchiha to start a world war. I'm pretty sure it was because he wanted to fuck my husband."

The Third Tsuchikage started choking on his tongue. Hiruzen became green.

"They'll gave you all the answers you want," Tobirama-sama added, all but throwing a screeching Madara at a stunned Kagami.

"The war is finished," Mito added, infusing a little of the Kyubi's chakra in her aura. Two third of the battlefield pissed themselves. Oh how Hiruzen understood...

"And you ?" he asked, a little curious despite himself,"are you coming back ?"

"Nope !" the six partner in crime cried, shaking their heads vehemently,"we're retiring !"

"Probably gonna herd goats somewhere,"Muu said, looking like nothing could satisfy him more.

"I heard that Mizu's coast is good for that," A said absent-mindedly.

After a few goodbyes, and a few remontrances, especially directed at the Raikage and Kazekage, for "ditching us in the middle of a war, really what the fuck were you thinking, dammit ?!!!", they started leaving. Hiruzen felt his heart clench a little but he knew there was no way to convince them to come back. At least, they were still alive and they would maybe come visit. Or Hiruzen and the other could go.

As he was turning to the other Kage to decide what to do with the squirming Madara Uchiha and the jar of black tar, Tobirama-sama screeched indignantly.

"I'M NOT GIVING YOU A LAPDANCE ON THE BATTLEFIELD DAMMIT !!!"

Hiruzen cringed. He really, really, really didn't want to know.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Retirement !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last real chapter of this fic, dears ! I might add some bonus afterward, but it will be mostly omake

Five months later.

Tobirama cracked one eye open, blinked and then straightened up. A, who was snuggling against his side, groaned and closed his muscles arms around his waist, nuzzling his hip sleepily. Muu, on his other side, turned and sprawled on Gengetsu, still asleep. Mito and Shamon were lightly snoring behind A. Tobirama blinked owlishly once again and then yawned like a cat. He allowed A to cuddle him till he deemed himself awake enough to get out of bed, and then he pinched the former Raikage's biceps to make him let go.

The dark-skinned man grumbled but loosened his embrace and Tobirama slipped out of bed, shivering when the cold air of the coast hit his naked skin. He quickly put on practical clothes and went out. It was his tune to take the goats out this morning.

It had been five months since the First Ninja War had ended, thanks to them capturing Madara and this Zetsu thing. Five months since they had settled on the coast of Mizu and founded this little farm. They had built the house and the barn, had bought the cattle, had planted Hashirama in the back garden and then had gotten to work. They were getting better at it (Gengetsu's cheese was finally starting to be edible, which was saying something, since the first time he had tried to make it, they had to vacate the house for five days for fear of an explosion).

It had been five months since he had fulfilled his part of the contract and given a lapdance to Shamon. It had been as mortifying as he had thought it would be.

(It had also resulted in one of the best nights of his life, since the former Kazekage knew what he was doing with his hands (among other things) and the others had joined him shortly after, Mito sprawled on the couch looking like a decadent goddess and directing them. Tobirama didn't think it was possible to come so many times in one night. So maybe he had accepted to do it again (several times actually) to see if the results were replicable. It was for Science, you know.)

Maybe giving a lapdance to his partners had become a habit. Maybe he indeed appreciated that.

(But he was nover going to admit it, even under torture.)

His babies had come to visit, and Tobirama had been so happy to see them. Apparently the village was going well, the consequences of the war fading slowly. They had been happy to see him, and a little sad he wouldn't come back. But Tobirama had managed to convince them that he was well where he was and that they could come whenever they wanted.

(Gengetsu had tried to get their honest opinion on his cheese and had almost started a new war in the process. Even Torifu, usually eager to try new flavours, hadn't been able to eat his morcel, the scent alone making him sick.)

Tobirama yawned wildly and stretched his arms over his head, herding the goats to their pasture, when he sensed it. Kagami's signature, coming their way at full speed. Five minute later, his former student landed in front of him, face red with exertion and out of breath.

"Tobirama-sensei !" he cried,"it's terrible !"

"Don't call me sensei, Kagami," he said, helping the young ninja to sit and drink some water,"what had happened ? Is every one alright ?"

"Ye... yeah, every one is alright, but we have lost him !"

Tobirama raised a brow.

"Lost who ?" he asked (even if he already had an idea).

"Madara Uchiha ! He escaped ! We lost him !"

Tobirama deadpanned.

"Did Zetsu escape too ?"

"No, he's still in his bottle and we doubt he's ever getting out of it. You and Mito-san had been very... thorough..."

Tobirama snorted. They indeed had been. No chance that fucker was leaving his bottle even if he had a thousand lifetimes to try.

"You've come all this way to warn us ? Thank you Kagami."

"Yes. I also have to warn the other Kage !"

"Don't be so impatient. You're going to take a cup of tea, we're going to give you provisions and then you're going back to warn the other Kage."

"Are you sure, sensei ?"

Tobirama hummed positively, grabbed the young man by the scruff of his neck, threw him on his shoulder like a potato sack and walked back to the house, whistling cheerfully. He missed being able to do that. The others were awake and up, and welcomed Kagami warmly. They drank tea and distractedly listened to him telling them that Madara had escaped.

Kagami left around midday, his bag full of provisions, and waved at them till he disappeared in the forest. The rest of the day passed calmly. When the sun started setting, Tobirama and Mito grabbed a plate of food and walked to the well behind the house. They settled the plate on the edge and looked down.

"Are you sure you don't want to come out ?" Mito asked teasingly. Incoherent screeching answered her and she cackled.

"Madara, it's been three days," Tobirama added tiredly. More screeching followed. He looked at his sister-in-law and shrugged. Madara would come out when he would feel ready.

Of course, when three days ago, a disheveled and sweaty Madara had shown himself at their door, they had been ready to fight for their lives. Except that Madara hadn't even tried to attack them. He had just jumped in their well and refused to come out since then. When they had asked him what the hell was the problem, the only thing they had managed to understand amidst his screeching was that he was ashamed of himself and didn't want to show his face to the world again. They had decided that it wasn't their problem and that as long as he didn't try anything, he could stay there.

"If you pee in the well, you're gonna get a spanking," Mito threw over her shoulder, wicked glee clear in her voice.

Even more screeching answered her. Tobirama couldn't help but snort.


	17. Bonus !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly crack about our merry band of idiots' life after the war ^^

Ten years after the war

Konoha's envoy : * to Tobirama * Nidaime-sama ! We've found Madara Uchiha ! It's this man !

* Points at a man who is obviously Madara with a fake mustache *

Tobirama : * looking innocent * Don't worry, that's just our neighbour, Darama...

Madara : * with a lasso * Your ass is mine tonight Senju !!

Tobirama : * still looking innocent but oozing killing intent * Don't listen to him, he's a pervert...

************

Madara : * spying at Tobirama doing his chores, drooling * This ass is mine tonight...

Hashi-tree : * moves ominously in the wind *

Madara : * shivers *

************

Gengetsu : * bursts into the house holding a wheel of cheese * Finally I've succeeded ! Who wants to try it ?!

House : * is suddenly empty *

Gengetsu : * looking dejected * But I swear it's not poisonnous this time...

************

Shamon, A, Muu and Gengetsu : * watch Tobirama doing his chores in clothes Mito has chosen for him *

Shamon, A, Muu and Gengetsu : * drool and nosebleed *

Hashi-tree : * moves more ominously in the wind *

Mito : * hidden behind a wall, as the other shiver, laughs her ass off *

************

(Mandatory "Tobirama is the only one not afraid of spider" blurb)

Muu : * terrified * Kill it ! Kill it !

Tobirama : * holds his hands out for the spider *

Spider : * hops on Tobirama's hand *

Tobirama : * stares at Muu with judgemental eyes, petting the spider * Don't speak to me or Miss FluffyLegs ever again...

Muu : * faints *

************

Madara : * flails and spits fire everywhere * It's in my hair ! IT'S IN MY HAIR !!!

A : * impressed, to Shamon * Did he teach Miss FluffyLegs to attack Madara on sight ?

Shamon : * nods *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head, Madara has a pornstache ^^


End file.
